Dear United Healthcare,
Hi! We paid you $7,521 last year. Isn't that cute?
Doing some research into your company, I see that you've had quite a few scandals in the last decade. What?!? How shocking! I can only find dirt on how you screwed your stockholders. Well, while screwing anyone isn't completely nice, you gotta feed the kids, right? Them rich babies need diapers and college, too.
I would like to edit some of the articles regarding you and tell them that the fact that you backdated some stock options isn't nearly as awesome as the fact that you won't pay for my Ambien.
My brain is like that of one of those ugly people on intervention whenever I try to sleep. In fact, I dread going to sleep because of the psychotic and analytical thoughts that cloud the back of my eyeballs. It's like those thoughts are the Indians and a good night's rest is the U.S. Seventh Cavalry; every time I close my eyes to try to sleep, they have the Battle of Little Bighorn.
In case you don't know about History, Dr. McGuire*, because you're busy spending the $1 of every $700 spent on Healthcare in our country, the Indians kicked the absolute shit out of Custer and his boys**. As my thoughts pummel any chance of a decent night's rest.
It costs $42. FORTY TWO DOLLARS. Really? You only want to cover every third month of them because you don't think they're medically necessary?
Guess what I don't think is medically necessary? Crack. Donuts. Diamonds. Calculators. Prostitutes. Nutella. Nicolas Cage. Extended car warranties.
I really could just keep going on because it's really fun to just type stuff that doesn't make any sense.
Sleep? It's necessary. I only want one pill a day. I don't want to sell them on my kid's playground. I don't want to crush them up with pixie sticks and Comet and snort them. Actually. That sounds fucking awful.
Know what doesn't sound awful? Sleep.
Know what shouldn't sound awful to you?
PAYING $32 A MONTH DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THE DRUG COST AND MY COPAY. YOU CAN TAKE IT OUT OF THE SEVEN THOUSAND DOLLARS I GAVE YOU IN 2011.
Then you can take the remainder and buy all the other stuff that I want but can't buy. Just to spite me. That way, you are still a giant assmonkey and you continue to win! Like a mattress topper that shoots cool water under you to keep you at 42 degrees all night. It's only $400. After that, you still have a couple of vacations and a few MRI's left in your Mat-funded shopping spree.
Oh and last but not least, THANK YOU for donating that rare butterfly collection worth 41 million to the University of Florida in 2009. As much as I love Tim Tebow and all his silly Jesus antics, I shall sleep sounder tonight just knowing such a collection was close to him.
* I am aware the Dr. McGuire was forced to resign and there is a new CEO. But he doesn't have anything to slander, and positivity is NOT FUN.
**I may or may not have had to call my husband for this analogy.