In fact, I had my husband take "US History since 1877" online for me because I detest it so much. He got me an A because he absorbs those lame stories of honor and swords and stuff with as much passion as I absorb chocolate chip cookies from McDonalds. (Again, if you haven't had them then you are stupid and probably thin)
Today, however, I am a History buff. I am going to tell you the extensive and intricate history behind........
Gerarda Pevostiana.....Also known as Gerard's water snake.
This little pistol of a snake reads books about other weaker snakes swallowing their prey whole and thinks those snakes are pussies and wants to show us how it's really done. I first encountered the mystical asian snake while on assignment in 1992.
There I was, in the middle of Mayanmar, with nothing on me but my wits and some clothes and some weapons and some food. Looking back, I was actually doing quite well.
I crouched down in the mud and leaned my face towards the sun while I dug my nails into the mud and rocks around me and tried to find some crab to roast upon the fire I had constructed with a starter log, pre-cut firewood, and a safety lighter.
I managed to feel the sharp cactus-like leg of a newly-molted king crab and with swift and infinite justice I swung my lunch out from under the rock, spraying black mud across my freshly ironed Gap chinos.
But this leg wasn't attached to a crab. It was a lone leg that had the appearance of being torn away from its body.
I got down on my hands and knees and peered under the rock only to see a giant man-eating asshole Gerard's water snake...tearing a crab apart like it was paying the bills. He didn't even use his fangs, he was such a bad ass predator he just used his coils to prepare the carcas because he doesn't even care how mainstream society tells him he should act.
|definitely NOT a Gerard's water snake|
If you haven't came into contact with one these crazy ass beasts before...that's because they come from places most blog-readers aren't just hanging out. Like Myanmar, Malaysia, and Gangfonkastin.
So there you have it....the history of my new 14th favorite animal..Gerarda Prevostiana.
(I've never had an assignment, I don't really even know what that means and I was 9 in 1992)
(The gerard's water snake is neither giant, man-eating, or an asshole. It just happened to be what my random article was on Wikipedia and I didn't want you guys to not think I took my shit seriously)
(I may or may not have not actually been to Myanmar, or seen a GWS (Gerard's water snake for the layman) in person)
(I may have made up one of its countries of origin)