Thursday, September 15, 2011

Stop The Hate of Wonderful Things

I would like to remind everyone who is not a normal, functioning member of society and is instead a bikini picture girl, that you can drive your car into a large unstable trash can full of carcasses.

Yay. Let's dance around in bikinis, cowgirl hats,  and Ray Bans like we did 10 years ago, WHEN WE WERE 20.

Whatever, I know I am jealous. I know one day I hope to be a BPG. But I won't be. Because I love popping out them babies and eating them krispy kremes.

BUT if you BPG's continue to bash these temperatures we're having that are below 110 degrees, then I will find you. On Facebook......and probably delete you.

"I HATE this weather. I miss the pool parties and the lake!"

Translates into this:

"I'm hot. Go look at my bikini pictures and my drunk duck face white-bikini pictures"

"Go awayyyy 50 degrees. I want my summer back."

translates to:

"I have no fucking job. If I did, I would hate it to be 114 degrees because it would give me sweat creases in my work pants and make me smell like a Hungarian wrestling match"

"NOooooo! I'm not ready for Fall!"

is actually meant to be translated as:

"I hate not having a sweatstache! I love bikinis and hate ACTUAL adorable things like scarves and peppermint milkshakes from Braums."

"Was excited to go to the fair, but now it's too cold. FML"

"I wish I could wear my Sponge-Bob bikini to the fair. Since I can't, I'll wear my bikini in my living room with a hoody casually slung over my toned shoulders, and pose for pictures I take with my own arm/hand so I can post on Facebook to make everyone know...........Fall can kill the fair, but it can't kill this awesome shit that is my exposed torso."

I would love Summer exorbitantly,  too. If all that made it differ from Fall is the addition of snow-cones into my diet.

And if instead of working, I could to go a waterpark all day.

Without my kids.

And if Husband didn't make me feel  like a selfish penguin because I want the AC on a level that will cost us $450 a month instead of $390.

Non-sweaty wife = Happy life!

and if I owned a boat, jetski, koozie, trucker hat, boxer or golden retriever, OU ice chest, and a face that sucks a donkey without makeup.

I think this is hate blog and I'm sorry. I love all you SWBR.

(shirt-wearing blog-readers)


  1. $390 a month - ouch - buy more insulation for your attic. It will eventually pay for itself and then make you money.

  2. Gee, I'll TRADE you your $390 for my $586+ just for July/August...God only knows what the August/Sept. bill will be because it was THE HOTTEST AUGUST ON RECORD in Arizona this year. Naturally.

    Okay, I didn't PAY the $586...that was BEFORE Average billing too place which is now $355. I cannot WAIT for at least 4 consecutive days in a row below 90 degrees.

    "But it's a DRY heat!" My ass it is...not in the summertime.

    OMG, Braums...I miss Braums!!!! We had them in Fort Worth...oh yummmmmm drool droool...thanks Mary for making me slobber all over my damn keyboard!

  3. We are talking about less than 100 dollars for someone to be comfortable. I say the cheapo makes the to hotto happy.

    I do remember friends that were very conservative with their resources and they had an adult kiddy pool on the deck where they skinny dipped with adult beverages. But they both agreed to this and I really don't remember what they did with the child when he got home from work.

  4. You are so funny!!
    I don't use Facebook, but I can tell just from this post that I would hate it.
    Can you draw a picture of what "donkey suck face" is?

  5. This is EXACTLY why I am not on facebook. I have enough of a complex that I am feeling Not Pretty 99 days out of 100, so I do not need some 20-yr-old princesses to flaunt their greatness in front of me. I used to eat Baskin-Robbins straight from the container for breakfast and not gain weight! Now I just LOOK at the container and --ZAPPO-- 10 pounds heavier, all in the tummucular and bottomish regions. It is enough to make me wanna, well, uh, complain on your blog in solidarity with the other haters of beautious-models-in-bikinis-who-want-their-summer-back.

    Keep summer. I want my 20-yr-old body back.


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  7. Insulation paying me back? Like it has a savings account somewhere that it will dip into if I get it some insulation friends? That sounds like the premise for a cartoon. Which I would not watch in my Sponge-Bob bikini. Not that I'd be alone in my gut-kini. Here on the Gulf coast of Florida, being shaped like a beach ball does not,apparently, disqualify you from rocking a triangle-top with a string-bottom. *shudder*

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